I’m somewhere between “Faith without works is dead” and “Trust in the Lord with your whole heart”; I lean towards wanting to do all the heavy lifting, yet still leaning on God.
It’s an on-going internal war, trying to figure out if I’m doing enough or if I need to give God more room to do what only He can. It’s strange. I know God loves me and He hears my prayers but when it comes to some of my heart’s desires (mainly one in particular), it’s as if He turns a deaf ear.
For example, sometimes when I am not in the best mood, I’ll pray, “Lord, I am not sure what’s going on with me, but can you please change my heart? I don’t want to feel this way…” Literally before I can even finish the prayer a smile appears on my face, my heart is changed and dare I say, I become almost excited about the situation that just had me flustered. On the other hand, I have been praying for this particular desire for almost seven years and still don’t have an answer.
My friends and family would describe me as a “go-getter”. I go after any and everything that I want. Bachelor’s degree – easy. Master’s degree – too simple. Buying a home – what’s next? Working at my dream institution – check! But when it comes to having a family, that is something that God has specifically told me that I MUST wait on Him for clearance. Every relationship I tried to put together without his approval crumbled.
I have more examples than I would like to admit – Match.com, Plenty of Fish, Bumble, friends setting me up, speed dating, adult game nights, etc. I met some great guys through most of these avenues, but God always said “No”. He said that I will have to trust Him and not my work. Everything else I wanted was definitely a challenge, but I knew what was required for me to achieve the goal. What frustrates me the most is knowing there is nothing I can do to make the right relationship happen for me. This situation has truly pushed me to totally depend on God and just enjoy the ride.
At the beginning of 2020, God told me to ‘be still’ and allow Him to move in my life. If you know me, you know that being still is opposite of who I naturally am. I am the woman that enjoys being double booked every weekend, running from event to event, catching flights to visit friends and I barely leave time for myself. On January 1st God shut all that down! I now decline more events than I accept and leave room for myself and the Lord.
My current favorite scripture is Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and He will make your paths straight.”
I meditate on this scripture day and night to remind myself to trust God and only He will make my paths straight – not the works of my hands. Work in my specific situation is being obedient by ‘being still’, seeking His face and being patient. I am becoming more comfortable with doing less and I am almost to the point where I enjoy it! I am less stressed, and I try to rest in the fact that I know God will handle everything for me. I remind myself that God hears ALL my prayers. He is not ignoring me and since He has hasn’t given me a ‘no’ there is still hope in my heart. He has me waiting for a specific reason and it won’t make sense until He chooses to grant my request.
Now I could make my heart’s desire happen for myself. I can go out today and create a makeshift family, but I tried that before and it was all wrong. It had me pleading to God to escape from a situation that He never wanted me in from the beginning. He never gave me the greenlight but being eager got me nowhere real fast. That was me trusting in my work and not God and I will never do that again!
In a few months, I’ll be 33. I am excited about embarking on my “Jesus Year” and experiencing all the great things that God has in store for me. It may or may not include a family, but I know without a doubt that whatever He has for me will be 1,000 times better than anything I could ever physically work to gain for myself.
I am learning to rest and trust in the Lord!